Today is the last day that I can say, “I’m twenty-seven.” It’s an odd feeling coming to the realization that my twenty-something days will soon be behind me. I mean, I know I have one more year, but that’s it. My age will start with a 3 before I know it. But should that matter? It shouldn’t, but the idea of it frightens me. I couldn’t help but think of this quote from Helen Mirren that I came across on Tumblr last month. These are the pivotal years, 18-28, this is when you really start to discover yourself — who you are and what you want and don’t want. As a child, I imagined what life would be like for me at this time. I thought I’d have my degree and that I’d be married with two kids and a dog, possibly living in San Francisco. As I grew older, the want for some of these childhood expectations began to fade and new dreams replaced them. Mostly the part about having kids and living in San Francisco. I realized I don’t want children, and that’s okay. San Francisco is a fun place to visit, but it’s not a place I’d like to call home. Living in the bay area for two and a half years taught me that. Childhood Nina would understand some of those things, but she’d mostly wonder where she went wrong and what happened to the determination to reach her goals went, or why she hasn’t met some of these childhood expectations.
When I was with Jennifer yesterday she said that time seems to go by faster once you turn 18. I noticed the fickle and mysterious beast known as Time goes by terribly fast at a much younger age. I want to say I was maybe in third or fourth grade. I thought about how kindergarten didn’t seem like it was a long time ago, but it really was; that soon I would be 10, then 11, then 12, then a teenager; middle school and high school would happen and then I’d have to come to terms with being an adult and figuring my life out. Time moved at a glacial pace only when I anticipated something. I’d think, “It’ll be here (whatever it was) before I know it.” And now here I am, almost twenty-eight. I used my childhood philosophy of “it’ll be here before I know it” when it came to my relationship with Tim. This was the year we were finally going to figure things out, how to be together under one roof as a couple and really begin our lives together. But this is no longer an option, this dream has been put to pasture. I’m accepting it, but not lightly. My heart feels heavy and I often feel like I may spontaneously combust. Time is moving quickly and slowly as I’m trying to get through this and come to terms with growing up as an individual and him no longer being there as I go through the process.
I’m still young, but not that young. I cling to my inner child and celebrate it because having a career and earning money isn’t really enough to make life worth living, or at least I think so. But I need to face the fact that those elements are essential in me evolving as a person and that I do need to in fact embrace adulthood.
This is probably the most serious thing I’ve ever written on this blog. The intent I had when creating Le Fancy Geek three years ago was to have a creative outlet for my love of fashion and geeky things, but also a way for me to keep writing. But I feel like I haven’t quite written anything worth writing since I got my BA in Creative Writing four years ago. FOUR years ago. Christ. I wanted to write stories, I wanted to write things that mattered that people could relate to, I wanted to get lost in books and become inspired. But I lost the drive as fear and anxiety took over any time I tried to write a draft because blank pages are so goddamn intimidating. I found myself, and still find myself, having trouble concentrating on reading books. You can’t write if you don’t read. That’s something many of my professors would say in all my Creative Writing classes. And it’s so true. In some ways I feel like I’ve dumbed down and wasted time. I know I wasted time.
I may start writing like this more often on the blog — being more introspective, more honest, more vulnerable. That’s how I used to write, that’s what made me fall in love with the craft of writing to begin with. I’ll still have fun posts every now and then, but honestly with the state that I’m in, I’m finding it difficult to write the bubbly way that I used to without sounding insincere.
I hope you’ll stick with me.