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Parks and Wreck

This is something that has been gnawing at me for weeks and needed to be written for my own sanity’s sake. Yep. It’s another serious narrative. I know I don’t post these all the time, but I feel it’s important for me to do so every now and then so you guys know I’m not all fluff and fancy stuff. If you’re not into me talking about sad and serious things that might make you feel some way, feel free to skip this and wait for my next post which will be going back to the light-hearted, happy, geeky fashion stuff you usually see on here.

It’s weird how certain things or places can feel tainted based on the memories of a person you associate them with; specifically if that person was once a significant part of your life and is now nothing but a complete and total stranger.  

Earlier in August, while waiting around for Jen to finish up a second interview with a non-profit in the Mission, I walked around the neighborhood with Rory. I realized that Dynamo Donut wasn’t too far away and maybe I could get Jen a congratulatory donut just for making it so far in the job process (she got the gig BTW). What can I say? We always celebrate with food. The fact that Dynamo Donut was a “tainted” place came across my mind as I began to search for it on Google Maps, but I brushed that notion aside and said “fuck it.” It was a place my ex and I had often frequented whenever he visited me and my housemates in Daly City. This was before we started dating, but during that time is when we became best friends. I remember the two of us were so psyched to go, and utterly devastated upon seeing the “closed” sign on its green shutters as we walked up to it. On our way over we noticed a cool looking park with vibrant murals and an enormous mosaic snake. I can’t quite recall if we actually went that day, or if we went the following day after successfully getting donuts, but it instantly became a tradition to go there, even long after I moved out of the Bay Area. Every trip to San Francisco had to include a visit to Dynamo Donut and the park. We’d go there high on sugar (from the donuts, of course) and run along the back of the mosaic snake, which I named Horatio. One time a man asked if we had a child with us since a sign in the park stated adults had to be accompanied by children. My ex said no, but we were children at heart. The man wasn’t amused, but we didn’t care. We kept visiting the park anyway.

The last time I was there was for our two-year anniversary three years ago. Not even a month after that was when we broke up. After it happened, I felt obligated to write about it here since he had such a huge presence on my blog. My readers would obviously notice something was wrong if I just stopped talking about him all together, right? I often documented our adventures, he took a majority of my outfit pictures, and I talked about him a lot on here. He was my legit first love, and he made it seem like we’d last a lifetime. It was only natural that he’d be mentioned very often. 

It was nearly 3:30 when I got to Dynamo, and they were sold out for the day. They still had dog donuts though, so I bought one for Rory and proceeded to the park. I told myself that it was okay to go back. It was only “tainted” because I let it be, and that I shouldn’t let the memory of some stupid guy ruin it for me. We went to Disneyland together all the time, but I managed to make it “mine” again. Surely I could do the same with the park. However, once I reached it, I was swept with such ennui. It was completely deserted. The circular steel swing had been worn down with bits of rust. The paint on the murals were no longer bright, but were faded and chipping. Horatio’s body no longer gleamed the way it used to because there were now splotches of grey cement covering the damage that had been done to him since the three years I was last there. Looking around, memories of moments I had been there played like short films in my head. I remembered the last time I was there, wearing my maroon peacoat and being pushed on the swing by my ex. At one point he told me not to move and brushed something off my back. I panicked and asked if it was a bug and he said no. Minutes later he told me that there was, in fact, a bug on my back. I didn’t feel particularly sad or get a sense of longing over him. The ennui came from something else. As Rory and I took a seat on top of Horatio’s head, I felt my eyes begin to fill with tears. A sudden deep depression came over me. Why was I about to cry? I couldn’t figure it out.

And then I realized the symbolism of it all.

The park is basically the personification of my old relationship. It was beautiful, but now it’s tarnished and faded. When you look back on the past, you try to remember the good things, the beautiful things. This place was full of fun memories that I associated with happier times. From afar, the park still looks fantastic, but once I got closer and was able to see what time had done to it… it’s just… well, a wreck. The paint’s faded and chipping away. Rust has grown on the playground equipment. Horatio doesn’t shine the way I remembered. Or maybe it was like this all along and my rosy colored specs prevented me from seeing it that way.

I stopped myself from crying. “There’s nothing to cry about,” I told myself. I didn’t want to mourn a relationship that’s been over for three years. I’m tired of mourning. I’ve been done mourning. I’ve accepted the fact that I don’t have it in me to be his friend again, and that’s okay. I haven’t talked to him in years, so I don’t know how he feels. There is a lack of trust on my end, which is why I know friendship is out of the question. When I first wrote about us breaking up three years ago, I said that it was a mutual decision. I only said that because I was trying to respect his privacy and didn’t want to portray him in a bad light. But how can I continue to do so when he didn’t respect me at all? The decision wasn’t mutual. It was all him. I was completely blindsided. When he talked about how he felt, and asked what I thought could be done, the only thing I could think of was breaking up. But he promised me so many things; he told me he saw a future with me, we talked about getting married, what kind of wedding it’d be, and growing old together, we talked about getting two dogs and naming them Han and Chewie, and on our first New Year’s Eve he promised to kiss me at midnight the next year, and the year after that, and the year after…  breaking up couldn’t possibly be an option! It feels as if he wanted me to come to that conclusion myself so he wouldn’t feel like an asshole and have to flat out say he wanted things to end himself. I fought like hell to make that relationship work, even after he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. God knows I did all that I could to accommodate his needs to the best of my abilities. I even bought a fucking book to help me understand how to deal with it. So what a punch to the gut it was for him to tell me that he didn’t feel like he was in a relationship. Or when he said he felt like he couldn’t be himself around me anymore, and that he flirted with other girls to fulfill a need for the attention I couldn’t properly give since we were long distance (and that he started dating one of those girls not too long after we broke up). Or when he said that sometimes he wanted to be with me and sometimes he didn’t. Honestly, if you’re even asking yourself that question, do me a favor and just don’t be with me. Oh, and there was also that long, excruciating pause when I said, “You keep saying that you still love me, but that it’s not the same as it used to be… so… are you even still in love with me?” I knew the answer was no, but that pause crushed me. How could this person who was supposedly my significant other and best friend say and feel all these things?

Now that enough time has passed, I can look at the relationship without bias and clouded judgement. I don’t use him being bipolar as an excuse to how he behaved anymore. I can see where things went wrong and that we really weren’t good for each other. Or more so, he really wasn’t good for me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think he’s a horrible person. I just think he was a sucky boyfriend to me in the end. That’s all.

I guess the point in me writing this is that I’ve come to understand that looking at the past too often will not serve you well. Perhaps this is something I should’ve figured out a long time ago. The more you visit, the more you’ll see the imperfections and faded paint of something that you once thought was lovely and beautiful. Dwelling on the past too much will only hold you back because it’ll make you feel bitter and afraid, especially if you’re spiteful and hold grudges like me. Just keep moving forward, it’s all we can do. Keep moving forward to better, exciting, and challenging things. It’s scary, and there’ll definitely be some bumps along the way, but you’ll be better for it. And the paint is brighter there, too. I promise.

cheers le fancy geek fashion blogger

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Tourists for the Day: A San Francisco Adventure

A couple of weeks ago (on Harry Potter’s birthday to be exact 😛 ),  my Auntie Nelly randomly suggested that we go to Pier 39 and Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco for the day. I’m not sure what prompted the idea, but I was totally down to be a tourist for the day! When my sister and I were little, Auntie Nelly would take us to San Francisco all the time. She’d drive to Pier 39 and we’d spend the day walking around, looking at the shops (my go-to’s were the sea shell shop for abalone rings and the chocolate store for chocolate licorice), going to Chinatown, and then ride the cable car to downtown San Francisco. Ah, memories.

Along with Rory, we also brought our respective besties in tow — it was kind of like a Hernandez-Ladies-Take-Their-Besties-Out day. We didn’t do anything extremely touristy like go to Alcatraz (a.k.a. The Rock), take a boat tour, or whatever else is there expect for maybe eat at Boudin. If you go to that area, please don’t eat there. The Boudin at the mall downtown is fine, but both of the ones located there are just ridiculous.

The last time I went to Pier 39 was about four years ago, but I don’t really recall much of it since I wasn’t there for that long. But bringing Rory this time around, I didn’t realize that people actually brought their pups with them there. Naturally, he had a good time tugging on his leash and yapping anytime another canine passed by or pigeon came too close. Haha! Some butcher (I think that’s what he was…?) put a big lobster in Rory’s face when we passed by a fish market, which would’ve been the perfect “Snapchat moment” as Shanice put it. Even though we had his stroller with us (hell yes, my dog has a stroller), we didn’t really get to bring him into any stores except for a couple of dog ones we came across; one of them being Yap USA which is basically like Nordstrom for dogs. I’ll write about them in a future post because we picked up some cool stuff for Rory there. 🙂

Anyhow, I took a lot of pictures, so I thought it’d be fun to share them with you all!

cardigan: We Love Fine (buy here) | dress: Hot Topic (buy here)
belt: from a random dress | purse: Kate Spade (N/A)
shoes: Deflex Comfort (buy here)

Shanice and I have been talking about going back because there are some things we’d like to visit, like the Madame Tussauds was museum (we found a Morgan Freeman wax statue at some random tourist info spot) and Ghirardelli Square. We were there for a hot minute and didn’t even get ice cream or chocolate! Granted, it was pretty nippy out, but still. 😛

cheers

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ModCloth’s Fit Shop in SF

I hit ModCloth‘s Fit Shop in San Francisco last weekend and had so much fun! If you happen to find yourself anywhere near San Francisco between now and the 17th, I highly suggest you get your bum on over there ASAP!!!

I wrote all about what you can expect to see there and the whole shopping experience on Wear Your Voice Mag.

Check out my article here to read all about it and see more pictures! 🙂

I might be heading back there with Gwen and Gladys next week before the pop-up shop goes away forever. Shrouds of regret keep haunting me for not buying that floral skirt and shoes I tried on in the picture above!

cheers

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Crown & Crumpet

Hey my little ponies! On Monday I headed to San Francisco with a few of my friends to celebrate my birthday at Crown & Crumpet. It’s an adorable little tea spot in Japantown that’s a definite must for any tea lover to go to! I passed by their original location a few years ago when they were still in Ghirardelli Square and made a mental note to eventually go there.

When making plans for my birthday, I decided early on that I wanted to have afternoon tea in the city with my girlfriends and dress up like Disney princesses a la Disneybound! How else would one go about celebrating the last year of their twenties? I ended up not wearing a princessesy outfit, but I still felt pretty damn fancy in my navy doe dress from ModCloth and t-strap heels.

As I looked up different places that served afternoon tea, I remembered Crown & Crumpet and promptly Googled it. Their menu seemed less pricier than most places, and their tea menu had a bunch of delightful sounding blends. I nearly ordered Alice’s “Drink Me” tea — a black tea with champagne and sugar crystals — but was told it had caffeine, so I opted for the fruity Snow White tea. 🙂

Crown & Crumpet has the most adorable decor too! The tables are lined with cheery floral table cloth and with little pictures of angels, Union Jacks, and tea cups. The walls were adorned with the cutest art, and there’s a large clock on the wall with antique tea cups and saucers instead of numbers. It says, “It’s Time for Tea” underneath it. I didn’t get a chance to take a picture of the clock though. Sorry!

Crown & Crumpet had some delicious food and treats as well. Jen ordered a slice of berry cake that came with jam and clotted cream, and now I want jam on all the cakes I eat from now on. No more frosting, just jam! Caitlin and I ordered scones to go with our tea, and they came with lemon curd, clotted cream, and raspberry jam (I think it was raspberry anyway) which I haven’t been able to stop thinking about since then. Why aren’t there any places closer to me that serve afternoon tea with all the English accoutrements like Crown & Crumpet?! WHY?!

Shanice, Jen, and myself all ordered the tricolore sandwich and they were really nice about letting us add on chicken and substituting cheddar for mozzarella. Caitlin got the chicken pot pie and Jen damn near stole it from her because she thought it was amazing! Our waitress also overheard us saying it was someone’s birthday and brought a little cookie dough flavored cupcake with a candle, and had my friends sing happy birthday to me. 😀

Afterwards, I asked the manager (or perhaps she was the owner…?) if I could take some pictures inside their private party room for the blog and she was more than accommodating! I mentioned to her that I had heard about Crown & Crumpet from passing by their old location a few years ago, and she talked to me a bit about how they ended up in Japantown and that they hope to open another location in downtown San Francisco.

I’d definitely love to go back to Crown & Crumpet and try a different tea and get more scones (and a slice of cake)! You guys don’t understand, those scones were SO. TASTY. And that jam! Oh my goodness.

cheers


13932753164_59cedb28ab
dress: ModCloth (no longer available) // cardigan & hair pin: H&M
shoes: American Rag // necklace: c/o oNecklace (buy here)
glasses: Derek Cardigan (buy similar here)

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Sweat & The City

All SF trips must begin at Dynamo Donut.

Yesterday Tim and I celebrated our 5 month anniversary exploring the Mission district of San Francisco and catching Monty Python’s Spamalot at the Orpheum Theatre. But holy crap, was it HOT. We got stuck in traffic at the Alta Mont just before Livermore on our way there, and once we finally reached the Mission there was a Cesar Chavez festival thing going on, which meant that parking was impossible to find. After 45 minutes of driving in non-stop circles, we found a spot on 20th street and proceeded to walk 4 blocks in beneath the sweltering sun to get our delicious Dynamo Donuts.

Vanilla Bean and Candied Orange Blossom donuts.

By the time we got there, my face felt like it was literally about to melt off. Despite the rare summer heat in the city that day, we had a really great time. 🙂

Tim and I went into a couple of the Dog Eared Books locations that are scattered about in the Mission and found some pretty cool things. Well, Tim did anyway. He bought TONS of books, including a copy of Brief Interviews With Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace for me. I got a bit too overwhelmed with the selection and didn’t have my booklist with me. RUGH! I didn’t leave empty handed though. I keep adding onto the pile of books I need to read. There isn’t enough time in the world to read them all. *cries*

There were soooo many beautiful copies of books from the Wizard of Oz series.

My finds. Tim recommended ‘Demian’ to me since I was frustrated from the lack of books I was holding.

Tim’s finds!

And due to the fact that we were stuck in traffic and couldn’t find parking right away, our exploring time got cut short and we also didn’t have enough time to check out Ike’s Place (a sandwich place all my classmates at SFSU could not stop talking about). *sigh* We definitely want to go back again in the nearby future so we can do more exploring and do all the things we originally planned to do.

My atheist boyfriend.

Dia de los muertos Giants gear.

Holly Golightly!

We headed downtown around 6:30ish to make sure we wouldn’t be late to Spamalot and I got to eat my Cheddar Bacon Buck from Buckhorn Grill. It is a cheesy and meaty delight. If it had eggs, I’m sure Ron Swanson would approve. And even though it was dark out by then, I could NOT STOP SWEATING. Seriously San Francisco, I don’t think you were ever this hot when I lived in the Bay.

I’ve seen a lot of musicals at The Orpheum. This was my first time going without a family member.

I watched Spamalot a few years ago in Las Vegas (even though I hadn’t seen the movie first… I know, that’s weird), and I found it just as funny the second time around. And yes, I watched the movie immediately after watching the musical the first time around (in case you were wondering).

And that was my day. 😀

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V-Day

Nerd love.

I used to like Valentine’s Day… y’know, in elementary school where we’d take an hour off towards the end of the day and have a party with punch, cookies, and pass out Valentines to all the classmates. When that stopped happening and I realized that Valentine’s Day is really just a holiday for couples to express their love for one another (don’t even try to tell me that it’s not just for romantic love, but all kinds of love, because that is bull), I became quite bitter. None of the boys ever had a crush on me in school, therefore I never received any Valentine grams during 6th period (except for that time my mom sent me one and signed it as Jon Bon Jovi :(), and my track record with dating damn near doesn’t exist.

But alas, this year was not the same! I actually got to do disgustingly cute things because I haz a man now! Tim and I agree that it’s still a silly holiday, but since this year was our first one together we decided to go ahead and celebrate. Before we left for San Francisco, we exchanged presents. I made Tim a mixtape, which I will blog about this weekend because I forgot to take pictures of it and it’s too rad to not blog about (I’m super proud of it, okay?), a picture frame, and an Ellie badge from Up. Tim got me a couple of boxes of Godiva chocolates and some super awesome Minnie Mouse headphones!!! He also wrote me a sweet letter that made me cry because I’m weird like that.

My Valentine’s Day swag.

I was super excited when I saw that Tim was wearing a purple tie — it totally matched the Ellie badge I got for him!

We kicked off our festivities at Dynamo Donuts (I’ve blogged about them before here). Their customer service is always awesome, but yesterday was outstanding! The guy who helped us complimented our snazzy outfits and let us sample some beer flavored ice cream that a nearby ice cream shop made (it was from the last batch and a customer from earlier that day brought them a scoop). And he was super helpful in telling us about certain donuts they had available for the day, and even suggested I don’t get the powdered gluten free one since it would mess up my outfit. Dynamo Donuts never ceases to amaze me. Seriously. I can’t get over them. Dude with the bowtie, you’re awesome!

Heart Beet donut.

Matchy-matchy. This was pure coincidence.

After we ate our delicious donuts, we went downtown because I wanted to look at the Disney Store. The upper floor has a little kids table in front of a screen that plays musical scenes from different Disney movies, and we saw that there were crayons and coloring pages ready to be colored. We sat there for a good 30 minutes. One of the cast members even came by and told us we were doing a good job. Haha! 🙂

After I finished coloring my princess page, I helped Tim finish coloring his Winnie the Pooh page.

After coloring and oogling at the adorable huggable stuffed Disney characters, I suggested that we go to the Ferry Building since Tim told me he’s never been there. When we got there, we saw a gaggle of pillow clad people. I kind of forgot that SF has this annual pillow fight every Valentine’s Day. It looked kind of boring to me, to be honest. I was talking to my boss about it after my shift (yes, I work now!) and she said that maybe the point of the pillow fight is to let out aggression. And then I said maybe it’s for single people who really hate Valentine’s Day. o,0

The annual Valentine’s Day pillow fight in SF looked kind of uneventful.

We were going to try and find a place to eat dinner around Embarcadero, but the place I wanted to eat at was closed! Tim suggested we eat at Sanraku, a Japanese restaurant that my family and I really like, but it was a 23 minute walk away. Since it was in the area where we parked our car, the trek there was worth it. By this time, it was effin’ cold and windy and I cursed at myself for wearing a skirt, but I knew that sweet sesame chicken and miso soup were in my near-future. I often craved Sanraku’s sesame chicken when I was in high school. I had eaten there a few times with my aunts from the area. To this day, I still think it’s the greatest sesame chicken I’ve ever eaten. Dammit, I’m making myself hungry!

After dinner, we made quick little shopping trips to Rasputin and Nordstrom.  And for dessert we got strawberry cream puffs from Beard Papa (which is their GREATEST FLAVOR EVER) and orange cream soda.b

Needless to say, my first Valentine’s Day was A M A Z I N G!!!!! 😀

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Sara F*CKING Bareilles!

I’ve been wanting to go to a legit Sara Bareilles show for the LONGEST TIME. And I say legit because I’ve only been to an in-store signing/performance (her first ever in-store signing at Virgin Mega Store in SF back in ’07, and I was the first in line… not that that matters) and last year I saw her at the Now & Zen Fest in Golden Gate Park. Those can count as shows, but they weren’t part of any headlining tour or anything. I wanted to go to a show that required her to be on stage for more than 45 minutes. I have missed so many opportunities to see her in concert, and every time those days came up I would think, “Dammit, I’m missing Sara! RUUUUUGH!!!” I was even in the city when she had her show at the Fillmore which was filmed for her DVD Between The Lines. Can you imagine how pissed I was to miss that particular show?

Tim surprised me with tickets a couple weeks ago. He said we’ve been talking about going to one of her concerts for so long, and she’s been to San Francisco how many times, and who knows how long until she comes back… needless to say I was overjoyed. WORLD’S BESTEST BOYFRIEND EVAR.

I first heard of Sara Bareilles when “Love Song” was the free iTunes single of the week in the summer of 2007. I looked up her debut album and listened to snippets and instantly fell in love. That’s also when I was coping with my first big break-up, so Sara Bareilles was basically a godsend to me and my form of therapy. Little Voice and Kaleidoscope Heart are two of my favorite albums ever. I’ve said on numerous occasions (mostly to myself) that if my life had a soundtrack, hella songs off both those albums would probably be on it. I mean, “Gonna Get Over You” was my love life’s theme song for almost an effing year. Thankfully that doesn’t apply to me anymore though. *phew* “Let The Rain” is my quarter life crisis jam.

Oh, and you know what else I love about Sara B? She swears like a sailor and is utterly hilarious. Her and Mindy Kaling need to be my BFFs. This is the part where I could go off on a tangent about all the amazingly girly BFF things we’ll do together, like get our nails did while sipping on Mimosas, but I’ll spare you, dear reader.

The concert on Saturday was the very last show of her tour, and she said it’s the biggest venue she’s ever played. So I was there for another milestone in her career! She also said she got laryngitis a few days before and was injected with a massive amount of steroids to finish off her last two shows (LA and SF). And her performance was f*cking flawless. That lady just knows how to put on a good show.

Here are a couple of songs I recorded at the show:

This one is a new song. I’m not sure if she’ll ever record it due to all the profanity, but it just makes me love her even more. And I didn’t know that it was possible to love her more than I already do. I can think of a couple of people I’d like to dedicate this song to… *manical laughter* BTW, this was an all ages show and there were a couple of 11-year-olds in the front row. Some really awesome babysitter brought them to the show. If you’re easily offended by foul language, you probably shouldn’t watch the video. x___x

“Come Round Soon” is one of my favorite Sara B songs, and this version of it is rad as hell. OMG. I thought it was a new song until I heard her start to sing. She also did an awesome rendition of “Bottle It Up” where she’s banging on the bass drum, and the rest of her band are playing the piano. I didn’t get to upload that video. And my camera cut it off anyway because my SD card didn’t have enough space left. Oh well.

If you haven’t heard any of Sara Bareilles’ music, or heard of her at all, I suggest you go correct that.

PS: This is my 100th post! HOLY SH!T!

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